


Token Straight Friend

by Se7en_devils



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, And John is a lovable dork with a sexuality crisis, Everyone Is Gay, F/F, F/M, Humanstuck, Internalized Acephobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Queer Themes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-10
Updated: 2015-07-10
Packaged: 2018-04-08 13:53:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4307598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Se7en_devils/pseuds/Se7en_devils
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John has, over the last twenty-four years of his existence, gotten used to being "The Token Straight Friend."  </p><p>Wherein everyone is queer, John is in denial, and everyone except him knows - including his girlfriend</p>
            </blockquote>





	Token Straight Friend

**Author's Note:**

> It's official, homestuck has grabbed my by the ankles and pulled me down into the deep, dark, abyss of fandom trash I never knew I wanted. I'm both ashamed of myself and of the two glorious, magnificent bastards that pulled me down here; [Rachel](yourfictionmyreality.tumblr.com) and [Cooper](coopersmashbros.tumblr.com), I'm looking at both you. I hate you both from the bottom of my heart.
> 
> Aside from that, be warned that this fic does have a lot of themes that deal with internalized queerphobia, denial, and coming to terms with sexuality. So if that's not your cup of tea, I suggest you deuce out. Other than that, I hope you enjoy!

John has, over the last twenty-four years of his existence, gotten used to being "The Token Straight Friend."  

He doesn’t quite know how or why it all happened, but he does know that it did and that it’s still sort of weird thinking about it.  At the very least, he sure as shit never expected it when all seven of his closest friends started gradually shuffling from the closet.  

Sometimes being a minority is hard, but that's okay.   **  
**

And sure, John occasionally thinks things were a lot easier way back when their friend group only had eight people and they were all as straight as everyone else - they were only twelve for Christ's sake, so obviously everyone was straight - but that's okay.   

It, like most things, all started with Rose. **  
**

They were in the seventh grade and John had a massive, worlds-colliding, heart-throbbing crush on Rose Lalonde.  She was just so beautiful and smart and cool - _so cool_ _-_ and yeah, she was also kinda wordy and probably a little too pretentious, but still really awesome.  John can remember hanging off her every word and can remember thinking that she could’ve asked for anything in the world and he would’ve done it.  Sometimes, John would go over to her and Dave’s house just because Rose would occasionally read next to them while they played Grand Theft Auto.   **  
**

It didn't matter that Dave constantly bitched about his crush breaching the bro code - _“Dude, that’s my sister.  My_ twin _sister.  That’s fucked up.”_ \- and it didn’t matter that Dave thought the whole thing was pathetic either.  John didn’t care as long as Rose at least occasionally gave him the time of day.  Which she did, because clearly she was the superior twin between her and Dave and well, he just... really liked Rose - as in like-liked her.   **  
**

Back then, that was some big shit. **  
**

But then one day Rose pulled him aside in one of the school hallways during lunch and crushed all of that.  She told him that he was a nice guy and that she really liked him and that he was a great friend and leader and right when John let his hopes fly, she dropped the other shoe.   **  
**

_"But I don't like you like that,"_ She had said with this look that was half sympathetic and half stern, as if she was sad she had to say this but not necessarily sorry.  Looking back, that's probably exactly what it was.  " _Perhaps if my inclinations were different, we would be compatible.  Unfortunately, I'm just afraid a relationship of romantic design would not work between us._ **  
**

And of course John had given her rebuttals, lists of reasons why they were perfect for each other and were soulmates that would grow old and die together - Dave had laughed at him and called it 'the gayest shit he ever heard', but that was aside the point.

In the end, Rose just gave a small, sad little smile and said, " _John... I'm sorry, but I like girls.  Only girls."_

And that had been that.  John hadn't exactly understood it at the time, had kinda brushed it aside and thought that maybe one day she would see - really see - but of course that never happened.  Because slowly, but surely, he began to realize she never really talked about guys the same way Roxy always did, but always looked at girls the same way Dave did.  And whenever someone asked her which celebrity she would marry, her answer was always some girl of the week.   **  
**

In the eighth grade, Rose "became official" with a girl named Meenah.  They went out for three weeks - or as much as two people can go out when they're in the eighth grade - and then they broke up for reasons John can't remember.  In the eighth grade John came to terms with the fact that Rose Lalonde was in fact into girls and he moved on.  

That was that.

John didn't think anything of it, but at the time he had thought Rose was an isolated incident.  Or maybe he didn’t really consciously think that, so much as just inherently assume it.  All of his movies had taught him that - when a gay person was granted the ability to exist, they were sure to be surrounded by a group of very normal and very straight friends that put up with their hilariously gay antics for the laughs.  That was how it worked.  

A gay person was always the 'token gay', and Rose just happened to be their token gay.  End of story.

Except it didn’t end with Rose, more like it _started_ with her. **  
**

Dirk came out their freshman year of highschool, which John could honestly say he never saw coming.  Not that John and Dirk had ever really been that close, so it wasn’t like Dirk ever directly came out to him, but the presence of new, subtle remarks from everyone else made it obvious.  Dave told him about it in passing and Rose had smugly said something about finally having a companion outside of the closet.  Jane made him a rainbow cake and Roxy made sure to always make remarks like, _"God, Dirk, you're so gay~"_ and _"Will you be my big, homosexual knight in shining armor?"_ Roxy insisted that she had always known - John didn't know if that was true or not, but he always kind of suspected that Roxy naturally knew everything, so he wouldn't have been surprised - and Rose joked that she _"felt the presence of a fellow homosexual within him.”_ Even Dave said that Dirk had always looked at guys in this _way_ that made him wonder _._

John didn't get it though.  He never would've guessed, because Dirk liked robots and swords and fast cars and tank tops that showed off his muscles - it just didn't add up.  But Dirk was also Rose's cousin and John could remember learning that that stuff was genetic, so he guessed it sort of made sense.  **  
**

That same year Dirk went out with a guy named Cal, which sort of made the whole gay thing a little more official.  They broke up pretty quickly because according to Dirk the guy had a temper, was actually a huge dick, and was really, really weird - but still.  Dirk spent the rest of his freshman and sophomore years going out with a few more guys here and there and illegally going to gay clubs with Roxy and Rose _way_ too often, thus making him officially gay-gay in John's eyes.

But really, in the end, it didn't matter.  Life went on.  John started teasing Dave about turning gay, because his twin was gay and his cousin was gay and that just left him and Roxy and genetics weren't exactly on his side.  Dave always responded by kicking his ass in Mario Kart, slinging around a few gay slurs, and stealing his tater-tots at lunch.

And that was that. **  
**

So what, their group now had two gay people?  John figured two to six was a good ratio, even though there couldn't really be a token gay if there were two gays.  But, being the totally understanding dude that he was, he figured it was an exception that could be made.

And then junior year happened.  And junior year Dirk and Jake started dating.

Which was...wow.  At first John thought it was one really hilarious prank that everyone was really dedicated to, all up until Dirk and Jake had been dating for three months and John started to think that that was kind of excessive for a prank. 

It was just so weird and unexpected.  

John had figured that he out of everyone would've at least known if his cousin were gay.  And maybe Dirk turned him gay - that happens, y'know? - but John still thought he would've _noticed_ or at least saw it coming.  Which no one did, by the way.  Or at least that's what John had thought, until everyone and their mother decided to inform John that no, literally everyone except him had seen it coming.  

Fuck, even Dave had laughed at him when John tried to tell him how unexpected this all was.

When John had asked Jake about it he just shrugged and said, " _Well, mate, I just don't understand what all the hoopla is, y'know?  I mean, I fancy the guy as a bud and he's a good lad and I've told him many times 'y'know, we'd probably be dating if you were a woman' and then one day I just realized, well, why the fuck does it even matter?  I guess I just realized it was silly for me to say I'd date him if he were exactly the same person, but only a girl.  And I knew he fancied me and I knew I fancied him in my own way and I always do love a fun venture and... well, here we are!"_

John didn't really understand it, but he didn't mention that.  Instead he nodded supportively, smiled really widely, and told Jake he couldn't be happier for him.

Things were really great for them - they were happy and they meshed pretty well together and it was all great.  For about six months.  And then it ended in a way that was just short of a nuclear explosion, if John was being honest.  Dirk was too clingy and Jake was too distant and neither of them wanted to talk about their problems and John didn't know how to help because gay relationships weren't exactly in his area of expertise and it was all just a little bit hopeless.   **  
**

Their last fight had left a lot of damage and not much resolution.

Later, Jake confided in John that he thought he figured it out: he was aromantic, which was why him and Dirk (or him and anybody, he had claimed) would never work out.  John hadn't known what that meant and kinda thought it was just a word for something that didn't mean much, so he gave Jake ice cream and and offer to explore the metropolitan their suburb bordered.  Jake agreed, of course, and they spent five hours driving through downtown, exploring back alleys and new roads and shops and going into cute diners just to see what they were like.  They laughed and explored and went on adventures and it was the best way John knew to console him.

After that night, Jake didn't talk about Dirk or being aromantic or gay again, which meant Dirk was just an experiment and he was back to being straight.  He didn’t date anyone for a long time and didn’t really seem interested in anyone either, but John just figured that was because he was still recovering.  Either way, the status quo was back and Dirk and Rose were the only homosexuals in their group.  

And that was that.

They were back to their nice, safe ratio of two to six.  And even then, if all else had failed, John had Dave, who was his straight bro that was practically made of heterosexuality.  And then of course there was Jade and Jane, who were also nice and normal and straight.

Until they weren't.

Or that's what Rose had insisted.  John hadn't understood where she gotten that from though, because he had never seen either of them go out with girls or look at female supermodels the way Dave and Rose did.  Though to be honest... John hadn't really seen either of them really look at anyone in any real particular way.  Which he guessed was a little weird, but whatever.  

They were straight.  They weren't gay - John _knew_ that - and if they weren't gay, there was nothing else for them to be but straight.  That's just how the world works. **  
**

So, John didn't really get it when they were playing truth or dare during the summer between junior and senior year with enough vodka and rum to kill a horse, courtesy of Roxy.  Roxy always had this weird, constant supply of alcohol and although sometimes they were all a little concerned, no one really complained.

(They hadn't known it at the time or maybe they just never knew the word for it, but Roxy had pretty much spent most of high school and the beginning of college as an alcoholic.  In hindsight, John doesn't know why no one stopped her sooner.  Maybe it was because they all convinced themselves Roxy was funner and happier when she was wasted.  Maybe it was because they really didn't think someone like Roxy could be an alcoholic.  She wasn't an middle-aged, divorced, white guy in a wife beater that lived in a trailer park, so _obviously_ she couldn't have been an alcoholic with a problem.  

_Obviously.)_

It had been Roxy's turn to go, so when she picked Jade and Jade picked truth, Roxy giggled before slurring out, " _What's your number?"_

Jade responded with a simple and confident, " _Zero!"_

Which...what?

Not that John had been judging, because he hadn't.  He definitely had not been judging his twin sister for her apparently still intact virginity.  It was just kinda...weird?  John knew she had dated - not many people, but a few guys here and there that included a short-lived relationship with Dave - and he had just kinda... figured?  Not that this had been something he thought about or anything and sex was never really something they talked about, it just had never occurred to him that she _hadn't._ It wasn't like she was religious aside from a casual belief in some higher power and it wasn't like she wasn't gorgeous and charming in her own, weird way.

Actually, now that John thought about it, he was pretty sure everyone else there had slept with at least _someone._

 _"Props to you, girl!"_ Roxy had sincerely said to Jade with this wide, goofy smile before opening the question up to everyone else.  And by opening it up, John meant she pretty much demanded everyone tell.

The numbers were as expected.

" _One,"_ Jake had said, flushing because it had probably been Dirk and that was... No.  John didn't really want to think about that.

 _"Three,"_ Rose had smugly said, which... Wow.  John did not expect that.

 _"Two,"_ Dave had shrugged, with one of them definitely being Terezi, his girlfriend.  John could honestly say he didn't know who the other one was, but he felt seriously insulted that he was out of his best bro's loop.

 _"Six,"_ Dirk had answered next, shrugging because he clearly did not give a fuck what anyone thought.

When it came to John he had answered with a truthful _"One."_  It wasn't nearly as impressive as Dirk's six, but at the same time John preferred stable relationships with wonderful, beautiful girls, as opposed to short, gay flings.  And besides, it wasn't like him dating Vriska was some big secret, what with how often he talked about her and everything.  What, she was a really cool, great girlfriend.

Roxy and Jane finished the circle by answering with a confident " _Four"_ and a meek _"Zero."_

John felt kind of bad for Jane, to be honest.  Sex was great.

But then John could distinctly remember Rose saying the weirdest thing, _"Ah, well, no surprises there."_

Which was weird.  Very weird.  Why would anyone expect Jane and Jade to say zero?  Sure, John could agree that everyone else made sense, but… They had been in relationships before too!

It all made a little more - not much, but a little more - sense a couple months later, when the words Jade and asexual and Jane and demisexual were being thrown around.  At first, it really didn't do much but confuse John even more, until he looked up the definitions and thought 'oh, okay so they're basically straight.’

Except not, when Rose sternly corrected him for saying almost that exact thing a few months later.  It had just been some passing remark, but before John knew it she was dragging him through one of her many long-winded, wordy, and just a little over-the-top lectures.

 _“Jade and Jane - and even Jake - aren’t inherently attracted to anyone, therefore they can’t be solely attracted to the opposite gender, correct?”_ John could remember her saying at one point in the lecture, which he guessed made sense.   _“Thus, they aren’t and can’t be straight and it’s insulting to say otherwise.”_

Logically, John understood what she had said, but… It was just so complicated and long and John thought she was being sort of silly. Actually, he kinda felt the whole thing was sort of silly and nit-picky, what with most of it being Rose saying a whole lot of words that didn’t really make sense except in the weirdest, most vague and abstract sort of way.  The whole idea of it just felt so weird, but he did make an effort to stop implying that they were 'practically straight' because he sort of guessed that Rose had a point.  

Not that that had kept him from announcing his frustrations with how unnecessarily complex it all was to Dave.  Actually, despite all the lectures and the chiding, not much changed.  John still made gay jokes and still insinuated it would just be easier if everyone were just straight and still thought it was a damn shame when Ellen Page came out - even if it was now only in private with Dave.

In hindsight, John sort of wishes he would have pulled his own head out of ass long enough to notice how uncomfortable and stilted and un-metaphorical all that made Dave.

Oh well.  John figured it out soon enough.

Senior year came and went without any ripples.  John revised the ratio to five to three, even though a) that ratio was off and couldn't be right, and b) he still secretly maintained that Jane and Jade and Jake were practically straight and thus didn't really count.  

Or at least he did for a while, until enough drunken pow-wows and late night heart to hearts convinced him that, okay, maybe they weren't straight and maybe they did deserve a space in the gay community.  It was mostly Jade though, who just tackled John and called him fuckass whenever he accidentally insinuated anything otherwise  The final nail in the coffin was when she started dating a cute, bubbly girl named Feferi, and John was quick to shut the fuck up about any supposed straightness.

Senior year ended, which was okay because they were going to the same college anyway.  Most of them were going for science - John went for biology and genetics, Dave for paleontology, Rose for psychology, Jane for criminal justice, Dirk for mechanical engineering, Roxy for computer programming, Jade for astrophysics, and Jake for archeology - and it was only two hours away and it was the only major university in their state and none of them really wanted to stray too far from home anyway, so it all just sort of made sense.

Freshman year happened without much to write home about.  The ratio stayed the same, which was really okay with John on all counts.  

John did break up with Vriska though - Dave says it was because Vriska was fucking psychotic, even though John still maintains she really wasn't _that_ bad.  And not long after Dave broke up with Terezi, also for reasons - Dave says it was because Terezi was _really_ fucking psychotic and yeah, John still maintains she really was _that_ bad and probably a little extra.  Sometime during the middle of the spring semester, Rose started dating a girl named Kanaya who had an excellent sense of fashion, loved gardening, and was funny and sharp and quick-witted and even wordier than Rose.  John knew he wasn't alone in thinking they were absolutely adorable and perfect for each other.  Feferi and Jade had created a solid and stable relationship for themselves and okay, even John had to admit they were pretty fucking cute together.  Not as cute as Rose and Kanaya, but still fucking cute. **  
**

Sophomore year came and went with nothing much new.  Feferi left in the spring semester to study abroad for a year and so she and Jade mutually decided to take a break, at least until she got back.  A few months after Feferi left, Jade went on a few dates with a cute but vaguely frightening girl named Nepeta.  She was cute and nice and Jade had said she liked her, but that she hadn’t really been what Jade was looking for.  Jane also went on dates with a few guys here and there, but none of them really stayed longer than a couple weeks.   **  
**

Sophomore year ended, summer came around and suddenly Dave and Jade started on again, off again dating while Rose and Kanaya stayed steady as a fucking rock.   **  
**

Summer ended with nothing new.  John left to go study abroad in Bolivia in August and came back in May to a phenomenal clusterfuck.   

Or really a cluster that could very easily turn into a clusterfuck if not carefully watched.  

And John had tried to keep in contact with everyone - really, he did - and although John thought he had done a pretty good job, apparently a lot had happened that he never knew about.  Honestly though, he sort of figured that was less his fault and more that fault of his friends, who probably didn't want to worry him with their drama while he was away exploring Bolivia.  A part of him thought that was kinda shitty, but also kinda sweet.  He really couldn't blame them.

Apparently, Jade and Dave had stopped on again, off again dating.  John naturally figured it was because Feferi was back in the country and he always kind of thought Jade deserved better than a relationship that wasn’t really a relationship, but whenever he tried to talk to his sister about it, she refused to tell him anything that wasn’t vague or unhelpful.  He heard from Roxy that Dave had been the one to break it off, but she claimed she didn’t know anything more than that.  And of course every time John asked Dave, the asshole just shrugged and changed the topic like it was nothing.  

Hell, John even resorted to asking Rose, who was as bluntly unhelpful as always with her statement of, _“It’s not my place to say_.”

After a while John stopped asking about it, even though the whole thing was still oddly secretive.

In other news, apparently sometime around New Years Roxy was sent to the hospital for alcohol poisoning.  In February she decided she was done.  She started focusing on herself and fixing her problems with therapy and AA meetings and a single-minded determination to become sober.  

When John returned, she had been three months sober with only two relapses.  He couldn't have been prouder.  He figured sober Roxy was pretty similar to drunk Roxy, except sober Roxy was funner and sharper and John had to admit he liked sober her a lot more.  

Who knows, maybe he was biased.

In April, Dirk and Jake had decided to get back together.  John didn't know why or how or _why,_ but it happened.  Hell, even people that were there didn't quite know how it happened, just that it did and that they, like everyone else, were sort of waiting for it to explode.  Almost everyone expected some dramatic repeat of high school, but John had liked to think that maybe it was different and they could make it work and they would be great together.  Or at least that's what he hoped and told himself he believed - Rose called it optimism through stalwart skepticism, Dave just called it plain stupidity.  

But John believed and he refused to not be at Jake's side, sometimes making excuses for why Jake couldn't hang out with Dirk and sometimes making him go anyway because, _"Sometimes you just gotta do things you don't like, but sometimes the other person also has to do things they don't like.  That doesn't mean you aren't compatible and it won't work, it just means you're human!"_

John told him to stop bottling up his feelings and actually talk to Dirk and gave him advice when he needed and watched really bad (good) movies with him when it was necessary.  After their first fight as a couple, Jake had convinced himself that they were doomed and that he would be alone forever, until John had taken him by the shirt and told him that yeah, they probably would if he didn't march his dumb ass back down there and fucking talk to his boyfriend instead of shutting him out every time things were less than rainbows and butterflies.

Shockingly, Jake listened to him.  They didn't break up, nothing exploded, and everything was fine.

Even while all of their other friends had settled on the sidelines with ice cream and _Avatar_ and sick raps to console them when things inevitably went to shit, John refused to believe that.  And John was right.  Things never went to shit and it never did explode, even though it probably should have.  John didn't quite understand how they made it work - and John was starting to understand a lot of things lately, like how Jake was aromantic pansexual and although John didn't _understand_ it, he understood that Jake wasn't gay but he also wasn't straight and that whatever he felt was important and _mattered_.  All that mattered though was that they _did_ make it work, not _how,_ and that they were happy and healthy and together.

Apparently they had done this weird little thing called growing as people and when they weren't immature, hormonal, self-absorbed juniors in high school, they actually made a really cute, functional couple.

 _"He understands I'll never fancy him like_ that _, but I care for the schmuck a whole heap of a lot!  I like that he’s taking a gander at listening to me this time and that he’s doing a jolly good job of understanding!  Well, maybe not he doesn’t quite understand, but shucks buster he doesn't push like the aggravating son of a bitch he used to be!  And I do quite enjoy the whole romantic schtick like holding hands and kissing, it's just... different for me?  I guess what I'm attempting to get at is it just feels swell and I do fancy him - in my own way,"_ Jake had told John and Jade one summer day, when watching stars on the roof of the science building.

John hadn't understood it, but he had smiled and told Jake he was happy for him.

That ratio remained at five to three and that was okay.  John still felt like the ratio was a little out of balance, but he still had Roxy and Dave and that made it better.

Or at least he thought he had.  

In all honestly, John really doesn't know how he had missed it when he and Dave had been roommates for three years and best friends for fifteen years.  He guesses that at the time, he thought it just hadn't added up - kinda like with Dirk, but worse.  Dave liked rapping and video games and photography and dead shit and he had never _seemed_ gay or queer or whatever it was.  He always made gay jokes and was never afraid to throw out a well-meaning slur here and there and always reciprocated John's 'no homos'.

Sure, he was a total dork, but gay?  

No.

" _Oh, hey guys!"_ John said to Dave and Karkat, who were sitting on the couch watching a movie together, one summer afternoon after coming in from a day of classes.  He was honestly so glad that those two had finally got over their differences and could actually be in the same room together without trying to kill each other.  It sure as hell had made being friends with them both a whole hell of a lot easier.  

John and Karkat first met sophomore year in Microbiology over a group presentation.  Although their first meeting consisted of a lot of yelling and a lot of cursing from Karkat, John had just been able to tell that he really wasn’t that bad of a guy.  Unsurprisingly, it didn't take them too long to make a weird sort of friendship that actually kind of worked.  John liked Karkat - he yelled a lot and was pretty grumpy and really liked complaining, but John thought he was also funny, even when he didn’t mean to be, and easy to play pranks on and was actually really nice when you learned to tune out all the different variations of fuck - Dave however, never really had felt the same.

Whenever John would invite Karkat over, they would always bicker and fight and even when they got past the whole 'let's try and kill each other on the kitchen floor' stage of things, John still felt like they were only being civil for his sake.  Even though civil was a loose term that really just meant they stopped trying to murder each other.  Especially since it didn’t stop them from sharing harsh barbs and really aggressive, snarky remarks that made John both want to cringe and laugh.  They had pretty much hated each other, which really made it hard when Karkat was John's only friend that would actually sit down and at least sort of watch movies with him.

In fact, when John came back from Bolivia, he half expected to find out Dave had killed Karkat in their kitchen and was hiding the body in one of their closets.  Which was why it was really weird when instead he came back and they had suddenly become friends.  Like, really good friends.  As in total bros - maybe even best bros.  

At first John thought it was some hilarious, elaborate prank, because neither of them had ever mentioned anything about it during their skypes or chats or texts, but it wasn’t.  Not that John hadn’t been really happy he could finally have movie nights with Karkat in peace, because he definitely was, it was just kind of weird and sudden.

Oh well.  John figured it didn't really matter, as long as everyone was finally getting along for fuck's sake.  

 _"Y'know, I'm really glad you guys are friends now!  I mean, look_ _at you being all civil and friendly!"_ John had said with a toothy grin.  He always knew that if they just pulled their heads out of their asses and actually tried to be nice to each other, then they'd make really, really good friends.  In the end, he wasn't technically wrong.

 _"Yeah,"_ Dave had said a little tensely, _"Look at us.  I thought you weren't gonna be back for a while?"_ **  
**

And John wasn't.  But there was this whole long story about how his professor was being dumb as usual and had to cancel lecture.  And although John was always happy to get out of class, this was a summer class, which meant one class period practically equaled an entire week of material.  But that wasn’t really important and John wasn't going to bore them with that, so instead he decided tell Dave all about the gossip Jade had told him.   _"Hey, did you know Terezi and Vriska are a thing now?"_ Dave hadn't, apparently.   _"Well, they are.  Dude, y'know what happened, right?  Terezi dated your gay butt and it totally turned her into a lesbian."_

_"Dude, can you, like, not?"_

And okay, that… definitely caught John off guard. _"Huh?"_

_"Well, I just mean it's like people don’t just turn gay or lesbian.  They're either born gay or they're not.  And anyway, it's not like Vriska and Terezi were suddenly like 'boys are dumb lol, time to turn lezbo' because that's not how that shit works.  They're probably just bisexual or something."_

_"Oh,"_ John furrowed his brow, really not all too sure where that outburst came from, _"Sorry bro, I didn't mean to... um, insult your ex?  I was just joking though, you know that."_

Dave sort of sighed, like that wasn't a conversation he wanted to be having but one that needed to happen.  Which John didn’t understand because he didn't really see why the conversation needed to happen anyway, but whatever.   _"And when you call things 'gay'.  Can you just... not?"_

Okay, now John was really confused as he stared at Dave, who looked clearly uncomfortable.   _"What do you mean?  Never bothered you before."_

_"I know, I just-"_

_"Are you okay, Dave?"_

_"Yeah, I just-"_ Dave cuts himself off, like he wants desperately to say something, but either couldn’t or wouldn’t.   _"It's just like you're making gay people to be, like, lesser people when you throw the word 'gay' around like that.  I mean, it's this completely stupid idea anyway that's based on our completely and utterly fucked up view of sexuality and gender.  Like, 'oh wait, can't be gay because if I'm gay then I can't be a real man and haha, look at that stupid fucking thing that's so gay because only cool shit is straight' and that's just so fucking stupid,"_ Dave had said.  

That hadn't been the end of it though, only the beginning of a slightly long, weird, and out of the blue rant that John didn't really understand.  It was about masculinity and using gay as an insult and how being straight isn't inherently better than anything else and although John pretty much agreed with Dave, he just didn't understand where it came from.  Maybe he had spent too much time listening to Karkat's rants - John swore he loved his best bro Karkat, but that guy really took his gender studies major seriously - and had actually taken some of it to heart, which John just thought was silly.

It wasn't like John hated gay people or anything, it's just that some things are ridiculous and dumb and kinda gay!  And when John told him that, Dave just groaned.

_"You're missing the point here, dude.  Look, I get it's hard understanding this as a straight dude and John 'I'm not a homosexual' Egbert, but-"_

_"Wait,"_ John had said, squinting his eyes and thinking as he stared at Dave, who was wearing the expression of someone who knew they just majorly fucked up.   _"I mean, I agree with a lot of what you're saying, but are you... are you_ not _straight?"_

_"Uhhh... I mean, no man look-"_

_"Because if you're gay now or whatever that's fine with me!  I just need to know?"_

But the look Dave had had on his face was like a cross between 'please kill me now' and 'ohmygod I can't believe this is happening', which John kinda thought was an answer in and of itself.

 _"Oh, wow.  I just..."_ He definitely took a pause to scratch his head and made a face, thinking about it for a bit before finally saying, _"I guess I didn't expect it, is all?  But, whatever, dude,"_ John paused again, before something dawned on him, _"Wait... have you ever, um, dated boys?   I mean you and Terezi were together for a while in high school, so not then.  And then Jade and you have been on and off until-"_ John's gaze immediately went to Karkat.  Until they had met Karkat.  Until John went away.  And then John got back and suddenly they were a lot closer and _oh._   " _Dave..._ _are_ _you like..._ Are _you and Karkat um...?"_ **  
**

And Dave had pretty much been frozen, not really able to say anything-

 _"Of course we're not fucking 'ummm...', Egfuck.  We're not dating and we're not doing anything other than watching this fucking glorious movie so we can stop trying to kill each other every time you make us have forced interactions.  We're just humble bros who do bro things, alright fuckface?  And just so you can put your fragile mind to ease, Dave isn't fucking gay, alright?  He isn't gay and he isn't gay for me and I'm not gay for him and no one here is fucking gay except for your stupid fucking face.  Jesus fucking Christ, can two guys not be friends without being suspect.  Holy shit!"_ Karkat had immediately began hissing.

And John had immediately backed off, because okay.  He had been so right.  Dave wasn't gay and Karkat obviously wasn't gay and wow, way to jump to fucking conclusions. **  
**

_"What he said,"_ Dave agreed, even though he had still seemed kind of uncomfortable and a little sick, _"And I just don't think we should say shit like that when a lot of our friends are gay and queer."_

_"Oh, okay!"_

And that had been that.  The status quo was put back in place and John could be confident that yes, his best bro was in fact a firm heterosexual who was not dating Karkat Vantas. **  
**

Except not. **  
**

John confirmed that a week later, when he came home from work early and accidentally walked in on them making out in his and Dave's kitchen.  It definitely had not been what John had been expecting to come home to, with Dave in nothing but boxers and Karkat in nothing but an old pair of Dave’s sweatpants.  Wow, that had definitely been an image John was really good without. **  
**

_"So...uh?"_

_"Shit,"_ Had been Dave's immediate reaction, because yeah, shit. **  
**

_"Not gay, huh?"_ **  
**

_"Motherfuck, Egbert,"_ Karkat hissed into Dave's shoulder. **  
**

_"Guys,"_ John said with this conflicted face, _"Y'know you didn't have to lie to me?"_ **  
**

_"Well, we didn't,”_ Karkat defensively shot back, shrugging in this sort of petulant way, _“I said I wasn't gay, which I'm not."_ **  
**

John cocked his head to the side, _"But you're making out with a dude in my kitchen?"_ **  
**

Karkat responded by rolling his eyes and huffing, _"Yeah, because I'm bisexual, you blistering fucknoggin, and thus not gay."_ **  
**

_"You still could've told me!"_ **  
**

_"Could we?"_ Dave asked, eyes were kind of sharp and his expression this sort of awkward blend of irritation and discomfort, like he both really wanted to be there but also really didn't want to be here.   _"Because yeah John, Karkat and I are dating.  I have a boyfriend with a penis and wow, look at that, I also happen to have a penis!  Obviously, that means I have to be some big, gigantic homosexual, right? Well, I'm not.”_ **  
**

_“But…”_ John was confused.  So confused.   _“You’re dating a guy.  That’s pretty much as gay as it gets, dude.”_ **  
**

_“I’m pansexual, okay?  Basically, I don’t give a fuck and honestly, neither should you."_

_"Then why'd you lie!"_

_"Because... Because I didn't know how you'd react, okay?  You’re always making gay jokes and complaining whenever Rose tries to correct you about anything and okay, yeah, sometimes there are things in life that are just really fucking gay and sometimes Rose goes a little overboard and I get that.  But when you’re always pulling that shit it just tells me that you see queer people in this subconscious negative light that's somehow lesser to the all powerful heterosexual light.  And besides, it's one thing for your friends and family to come out, but I didn't know how you'd react when your roommate came out.  What if you start asking me for fashion advice or something?  I don’t know shit about that shit."_

_"Why would I do that?  That’s what Kanaya’s for."_ **  
**

_“Dude, not the point.  What I’m trying to say here is that whenever people come out to you, you're kind of a douche.”_

_"I... No, I'm n-"_

_"Look, I know you don't mean it like that, but honestly the last thing I wanted was for my best bro to think I suddenly wanted to hump him in his sleep or whatever weird shit it is you think we do just because I happen to also like guys.  And you just fucking put me on the spot and I wasn't ready for that and-"_

_"And I lied for him, because I'm a magnificent fucking boyfriend and you're a magnificent fucking idiot, Egbert,"_ Karkat hissed, his body pressed up against Dave's side as he shivered with goosbumps. **  
**

_"Oh...I...um, okay.  I'm sorry, I guess?  And also, it's okay with me!  That you're ga - I mean, pan-whatever."_

_"Wow, thanks bro.  So glad it's okay with you that I'm not straight.  Real fucking generous."_

John cringed in response and Dave made this face like he instantly regretted being so harsh.

 _"I'm sorry man, just,"_ Dave huffed, _"I’m not wanting or needing your approval as the superior heterosexual member of society, alright?  I just wanna be honest with you and shit so shit like this doesn’t happen.”_

John thought about it for a second, _“To be fair, shit like this wouldn’t happen if you didn’t make out with guys in our kitchen.”_

 _“Yeah, because I totally started my day thinking I would be having_ this _conversation with my best bro,”_ Dave breathed out with an eye roll and heavy huff, _“Y’know, I just woke up this morning and thought that the usual 'oh well motherfuck, you shitheads are dating?' conversation was just too boring and cliche, so I decided to add a little splash of the good ‘ol 'oh, dude you like dick now?' conversation too.  For the lolz, y’know?  Really motherfucking spices up things.  I mea-"_

 _"Okay, okay,”_ John said, holding out his hands placatingly, _“I get what you’re saying and I'm sorry, bro."_

 _"Yeah, uh,"_ Dave awkwardly scratched at his neck, taking a breath as Karkat's fingers rub against his sides, _"I would say sorry for yelling at you, but you were kind of being an ass and I'm not sorry.  But I still love ya, dude."_

_"Yeah, dude!  And I mean, what kind of bro am I if you can't tell me things?"_

And that was that.

Karkat went home pretty soon after that, leaving with a grumbled bye to John and a few murmurings against Dave's lips that had a suspicious lack of the word 'fuck'.  

With Karkat gone, they were alone.  

All alone.  

With no buffer and no one to fill the silence and wow, John never knew things could get so awkward so fast.  There was just so much silence and neither of them knew what to say.  It wasn’t until John bridged by gap by offering to kick Dave's ass in Street Fighter that the tension even slightly lifted.

And then it was on.  

They had dino-nuggets for dinner and things were still kinda tense and awkward, but still okay.  John's best bro and roommate was gay - no, pansexual - and he had a boyfriend and that was okay.  

Okay, maybe it was _mostly_ okay.

Because sometimes John swore that Dave was staring at him, even though logically he probably wasn't and more than likely it was just his subconscious trying to fuck with him.  Of course Dave didn't have a crush on him, that would've been so stupid and ridiculous and...

But what if he did?  John honestly couldn't stop from thinking that over and over again and he, well, he didn't have any evidence to say Dave didn't or couldn't have a crush on him.  Not that it mattered anyway.

Everything was okay and normal and so what if he started taking a change of clothes in the shower?  And so what if he stopped wrestling Dave to the ground whenever he stole the remote and started locking his bedroom door a little more frequently?

Well…

Okay, even John could admit he was being stupid - so, so, so stupid - because Dave was dating Karkat, who he obviously really, really liked, and just because Dave was like _that_ didn't mean he had a crush on John.  Still, John couldn't help but think about the possibility - or at least he did until Rose confronted him about it and okay, yeah, even john could say he was being a dumbass.  If Rose had to get involved, it obviously meant Dave had noticed and that it obviously was bugging him and John had obviously made him feel really, really shitty.  

Alright, now John kind of understood why Dave had tried to hide it from him.  

So, from then, he stopped taking changes of clothes into the shower and he stopped thinking so much about stupid, impossible situations that were never gonna happen.  The next time Dave even touched the remote, John didn't even hesitate to tackle his ass to the ground.  

The ratio was down to six to two, but John guessed he could be okay with that.

The rest of the summer passed smoothly, with Rose and Kanaya still going strong, Dirk and Jake somehow making it work, Jade and Feferi getting back together, and Dave and Karkat... doing whatever it was they did.  Jane started focusing on applying for internships to different government agencies, while Roxy continued to power through sobriety.  John started driving her to AA meetings and when she received her token for six months of sobriety, she cried out of happiness on his shoulder for a solid hour.  

The next night, they threw her a congratulations party with cake and balloons and presents and Roxy ended up crying even more because the whole idea was just so unimaginable and everyone was just so happy for her and supportive.  Dirk had the token framed for her and Dave made a remix to commemorate it - which John secretly thought was actually kind of sweet but also really nerdy.  Rose had knit her a sweater and Jake gave her his favorite glock and Jade got her a stuffed dog.  They all gave her gifts and hugs and a bunch of confirmation that yeah, they were really fucking proud of her.

And later that night, when she tried to tell John that she didn't think she really deserved all this, he was quick to tell her otherwise.  Because Roxy was amazing and had done what a lot of people only wished they could do and John had seen it - had seen how much work she put into this and how much she wanted this and that was pretty fucking incredible.  

The next day, John took her to the tattoo parlor, where she got a tattoo on her side that said ‘Resilience’ with the date of her sobriety on it.

And that was when it hit John like a load of motherfucking bricks.  When Roxy was sitting in the chair at the parlor, wriggling her fingers at him as she nervously shifted, John realized just how amazing and wonderful she was. He realized that he liked her - a lot.  

He guessed it was natural to feel that way, what with everyone mostly concentrating on their disgustingly cute relationships and Jane concentrating on nothing but getting a job after graduation.  It left them with a lot of time to hang out together.  Alone.  And sober Roxy was just so cool and pretty and smart and fun and thoughtful and determined and really easy to talk to and this really wonderful combination of Strider-Lalonde that made John's insides turn sort of gooey.

She watched John's terrible (great.  They're motherfucking great, no matter what Dave says) movies with him and kicked his ass in pretty much every video game possible and taught him enough programming so that he at least wouldn't accidentally blow up his computer with a virus.  She let him try out new magic tricks on her, giggling when they worked and helping him improve them when they didn’t.  She also definitely helped him pull off a few pranks on Dave and Dirk, which instantly qualified her for wife status in John’s book.  She even taught him how to wrestle, which she claimed came from living with Dirk for twenty-two years of her life, and taught him how to shoot a rifle, which she claimed came from being a bona fide badass motherfucker. There was even one time where they played hide-and-go seek in her and Jane's house with John's silly masks and fake mustaches, with both of them ignoring the fact that they were way too old for any of that.

Basically, she was perfect.

 _"Dude,"_ Dave had said one day, laughing over a game of mario kart he was playing with John.  Karkat had been there too, leaning against Dave's side, too busy reading one of his weird romance novels to do anything but grumble at Dave's inconvenient shifting. _"You totally have a thing for my cousin.  That's low key fucked up.  I mean, go for it, you guys would probably have fucking great babies and are fucking adorable idiots together, but still."_

John had justshrugged a simple _"Maybe"_ towards Dave because okay, John guessed he was right.  He did have a thing for Roxy.  

The only problem was figuring out if Roxy had a thing for him.  

She was a natural flirt - fuck, if John didn't know her, he'd swear she made it her mission to flirt with Dirk and Dave daily and they were her fucking brother and first cousin - and it was impossible to tell if the things she said fell into the 'oh, it's just Roxy' category or the 'oh, shit, she's reciprocating' category.  But sometimes, he was pretty sure she was reciprocating and that maybe, maybe this thing could go somewhere and maybe they had a chance.

Until Roxy went on a date with a girl, that was.  Of all the possible outcomes, it was the one John really hadn't expected.  He was happy for her, sure, but it still left him surprised and sad and just a little heartbroken.

John told himself he shouldn't have been surprised, considering the track record with their group of friends and John's track record with Lalondes.  A part of him said that maybe she was like Dave and was bi or pan, but...

Even with Dave being Dave and all, John still didn't know how pansexual Dave actually was and how much he just said he was to avoid being full gay.  The idea of liking multiple genders was still weird to John and the idea of being with someone who liked multiple genders sounded even worse.  John just didn't know if he could do it.  

It had been a moot point anyway.  

Roxy went on a date with a girl named Callie, who was sweet and exuberant and the nicest person anyone had ever met and was probably really, really perfect for Roxy.  Except there was no second date.  Roxy had told John she felt like they'd just be better as friends, even though John suspected there was another reason too.  He didn't pry though and she didn't offer anything.

Life continued and that was that.

They still talked and John, against his better anything, flirted and talked and still really, really, really liked Roxy.  And each time they came close to anything, John shut it down because no, Roxy probably didn't like boys.  Roxy was probably just being Roxy, and that was okay.  She didn't mean anything by it.

Except apparently she did.

 _"Okay, tbh John, we need to do the talks."_ Roxy had said one day, hands on her hips as she and John stood in the kitchen over a stovetop of scrambled eggs and bacon.  It was November, three months after her date with Callie, and it was obvious Roxy was exasperated with something. _"Like seriously, I can't handle the mixed signals you're giving me and it's totes confusing and idk what to do with them, man!  Like one second we're all getting our mutual flirt on and it's great and wonderful and we're reciprocating and it's all yeah, I could do this._ We _could do this.  And then you get all platonic on me and it's like what the actual fuck is going on rn.  It's like you suddenly remember you left your wallet at the house and do a massive fucking 180.  You're leaving a girl hanging and let's be real here, John, this girl is one foxy momma waiting for her goober knight in dented armor to sweep her off her feet, except the goober knight is like standing in front of this foxy momma doing nothing but staring at the ground like the mud will show him the secrets of the universe, you feel me?"_

 _"Uh... kinda?"_  Like Dave, Roxy's metaphors had a habit of going a bit over John's head. Unlike Dave though, he actually found her rambling cute instead of mind-grating.

_"I feel like a radio operator on a ship that's receiving signals from a vaguely moving object that can't identify itself or do anything but say random shit and give off static because it doesn't know what the fuck it is or what the fuck it wants and it's just really sort of confusing and irritating for everyone involved."_

_"Huh?  Whad'ya mean?"_

Roxy sighed before flipping a few strips of bacon, _"You're just leaving me out to dry and I mean, what's up with that?  Gotta stop leaving a girl hanging. You either want the booty or you don't."_

 _"I want the booty,"_ John immediately said.  He didn't even think about it before just saying it, turning bright red when Roxy sputtered out some laughter.  All John knew was that he heard 'mutual flirt' and his chances were rekindled and he would say almost anything to go on a date with Roxy Lalonde.   _"Uh... er, I mean-"_

 _"Hahaha,"_ Roxy had laughed so hard she even snorted a little, cheeks going red as she playfully bumped her shoulders against John's.   _"That's so adorbs, really.  But okay, seriously, like that! You can't want the booty and then back right out and not want the booty the next second.  We don't do halfsies here - you either want all the booty or none of the booty."_

_"Uhhh..."_

_"That metaphor made you kinda uncomfortable, didn't it?"_ Roxy giggled.

John shrugged, _"A little?  But I've also walked in on my supposedly straight best bro making out with his secret boyfriend who's also one of my best friends in our kitchen, so I think I'm immune to being uncomfortable by now, haha."_

Roxy laughs at that, _"John, let's be for real here, the only person Karkat was a secret to was you."_

_"What?  But-"_

_"Really.  Like, the only thing more obvious they could've done was if they had gotten a flashing sign that said 'yes homo' and hung it above their heads.  They are just so adorably gay for each other."_

_"Yea-"_

_"Wait, backtrack.  You got me off topic, John, that's gonna cost you a deduction of a piece of bacon.  I decree it!"_

_"Roxy,"_ John teasingly whined, even as she started playfully batting at him with the spatula she was using.

Oh, it was on.

John laughed before grabbing a whisk from the drawer and holding it out to defend himself.  It probably took about five seconds of them batting back and forth with their “weapons” before the scuffle turned into an all out culinary war, complete with shields made of pots and pans and fortresses made of cabinets and pillows.  By the end of it, everyone would agree it was the most epic culinary battle to ever take place and that John's mastery of the whisk was legendary, only to be beat by Roxy's mastery of the spatula.  

 _"Now that I have owned thy ass in the culinary fight,"_ Roxy had laughed after pinning John stomach down to the floor and straddling his back to keep him in place, _"I demaneth an explanation as to your recent tomfoolary, Sir Egbert."_

_"Oh, uh, we're back to this already?"_

_"Yep!  I really need to know so I can tell Dave if he can start planning the 'Congrats on getting your heads out of your fucking asses, you disgusting lovebirds' party for us.  Although really, he's totes not one to talk.  Before he and Karkat were a thing, his head was so far up his ass I thought it was a new kink.  Anyway, I demand you explain!"_

_"Uhhh, well, I thought things were going good and that I liked you and that you're funny and smart and beautiful and all this great shit-"_

_"Yes!"_ Roxy did a fist pump in the air while grinning, _"I'm great shit.  Life goal accomplished!  Sorry, please continue, Sir Egbert."_

 _"Well and then you had that date with that girl and I just wasn't sure!  I mean, your brother's gay and your cousins are gay and if anyone I knew could accidentally flirt with a plank of wood, it would be you.  You could also probably convince it to go out with you,"_ Roxy giggled at that, _"But anyway!  I just... didn't know?"_

 _"John,"_ Roxy had smiled this cheerful smile before letting John up and turning to him with this playful look, _"It's a good thing I like my boys adorkable and goofy and kinda dense."_

And then she had kissed him and that was all that mattered.  Later, Roxy would tell him that she was bisexual and even though that still didn't mean much to John, he nodded along encouragingly and tried to listen and be supportive.  John thought he did a pretty good job, considering the sex they had afterwards was literally the best.

But that was beside the point.

Somehow, without John even realizing, the ratio was suddenly seven to one.  

Ten years ago, it started with Rose being the token gay and then somehow it ended with John being the token straight - which John felt was all kinds of fucked up.  Even now, having graduated college with stable relationships and jobs that might get them somewhere if they cross their fingers right and graduate schools that make them want to jump off a building, the ratio is still at that seven to one place.  

Rose and Kanaya are still the power couple they were made to be and, if Dave and Roxy are to be trusted, they're even talking about marriage.  John can only think it's about fucking time.  Dirk and Jake are still doing their weird, oddly cute relationship thing that John still doesn't quite get and Dave and Karkat are still together as the couple that's a lot more adorable than John ever expected them to be.  Jade and Feferi are still going strong and even Jane started dating a girl named Callie - the same girl Roxy had gone on a date with that one time a very, very long time ago.  Of course John and Roxy are still together, because that just goes without saying.

John likes to think he's learned a lot over the past couple of years - a lot of acceptance, a lot of sexuality theory (ohmygod, so much theory.  Too much theory), and a lot of understanding that a lot of times stereotypes are just fucking wrong.  John's twenty-four, he's the token straight of his friend group, and he's okay with that.

Because yeah, he's so straight.  As 'no homo' as it motherfucking gets.  He doesn't go around saying _"I am not a homosexual!"_ like he did when he was thirteen and sixteen, but he still knows and everyone else does too.  John Egbert is very, very painfully straight.  End of story.

Except... well, maybe not?

_Oh shit, he's hot._

The thought goes through John's head before he can stop it and oh.  Oh, god.  That wasn't supposed to happen.

"Dude, you okay?" Dave is asking him before he's able to snap out of it.  

Shit.   _Shit._   What if he noticed?

They're sitting in the middle of a coffee shop with applications to different grad schools strewn everywhere and a guy standing at the counter that is really attractive.  Except John isn't supposed to think he's really attractive except okay, yeah, he actually kinda does.

"Uh, yeah!" John says quickly, nervously laughing even as he lets his eyes dart to the guy.  He's standing so that he's just behind Dave's shoulder, so John really hopes that Dave doesn't notice.  Not because he's checking the guy out or anything and he's definitely not looking back because the guy is so attractive, but so he can tell himself the opposite.  The guy isn't that attractive and no, he would not totally tap that if he weren't in a committed relationship because no.  Hard pass.  All the nos.  John Egbert is attracted to women, end of story.

"You sure?" Dave asks and even though John can't see behind the shades, he's pretty sure Dave is suspiciously squinting his eyes.  "Because while Jade and I are over here being responsible fuckers trying to edit our grad school applications, you can't stop looking-" Dave is saying as he turns over his shoulder to see what John is staring at and oh.

_Oh._

Oh, fuck.

"Are you-?"

"Umm, well... I, uh-"

"Oh my god," Dave is now smiling, even as Jade looks between them in confusion. "You had _the_ moment. **  
**

"Wait, what?" Jade and John asked in unison.

"Well," Dave begins with this smile that says John is not gonna like this, "For us lowly, non-straight allosexuals, it's the moment where you see someone of the same sex and think _'oh shit, they're hot'_ before you can stop it.  It's some life-changing shit."

"But I like girls."

"Yeah," Dave nods with this amused smirk, "I kinda got that when you started dating my female cousin, bro."

"But I'm not a homosexual!" John says in a hushed whisper to Dave. **  
**

"Yeah, and neither am I." **  
**

"But- **  
**

"I'm not a homosexual, Jade's not a homosexual, but funny thing is I have a boyfriend of three years and she has a girlfriend of four.  But wow, look at that, still no homo."

"I don't like guys."

Dave shrugs, "Whatever, dude."

And that's that.

Except it's not.

Because now John has started noticing it.  That wow, that guy walking across the street is very attractive.  And oh, John doesn't know what their gender is, but he definitely wouldn't be against tapping that.  

He tries to tell himself it's just the effect of having so many queer friends - their queerness _has_ to be rubbing off on him, maybe he should start making friends with male body builders.  That would do that trick - but there's also another part of him that thinks maybe he's just been repressing it.  If nothing else, John starts to feel like he's getting a new appreciation for the Men's US Soccer Team that he didn't have before.  

Which is frightening to think about and not okay and not something he'd ever admit to anyone ever.

"God, don't you do any fucking research?" Karkat asks him one day when John is over at their apartment playing Smash bros.

"Umm, what's there to research?” John asks, making a face as he dodges one of Dave’s attack. He’s sitting on the couch with Dave, shifting around and leaning to the side which each attack as if that’ll help him win, while Karkat flits around the living room and kitchen behind them.  “You either like boys, you like girls, or you like both.  I don't get what I could research."

But Karkat just groans and slams his face to his palm in a painful sounding facepalm.  "Congratulations, you are literally the dumbest human alive.  You are so dumb, you probably get awards and plaques and medals for being the bane of humanity.  I mean, Jesus H. Dick, how is it even possible for anyone to be this stupid?"

"Babe, you ever met Jake English?" Dave shoots back with a grin as he uses his Final Smash to absolutely demolish John.   **  
**

Oh, that fucker's gonna pay.

"Fine,” Karkat huffs as if he’s having to compromise, which he isn’t.  “I can't blame you because you come from a genetic family of stupid, but sexuality is not some three fucking stop system, dumbass.  It's a complicated spectrum with a lot of different people at a lot of different places."

"So?"

Dave sighs, putting down the controller when John's poor Zelda dies once and for all, "He's saying that even though some people are bi or pan or are whatever, they can still have preferences for one gender or another but still be bi or pan." **  
**

"Wow, even Strider fucking gets this.  Geez, Egbert." **  
**

"Hey!" John and Dave call out at the same time. **  
**

"What?  It's not a hard concept," Karkat grumbles, "I'm bi, but I prefer guys.  I've still dated girls and it doesn't make me any less fucking bi or any more gay, it's just what I prefer a lot of the time." **  
**

"Ditto," Dave pipes in as he readjusts himself so he doesn't have to keep turning to see Karkat flitting around behind them, "And besides, romantic and sexual attraction are completely different spectrums." **  
**

"Ha," John immediately responds without thinking, "Funny." **  
**

"Don't be an insensitive shit," Karkat calls out. **  
**

Which, okay, maybe that was a bit much. **  
**

"No, really, man.  Like, if they weren't, then Jade probably wouldn't be dating anyone because she'd _have_ to be asexual and aromantic, which she isn't because that’d be just stupid if she _had_ to be anything."

John shrugs, "But Jake is aromantic and is dating Dirk."

"That's because romantic attraction and actually being romantic with a person aren't, like, mutually exclusive or whatever," Dave says as if it's all obvious and clear, which it isn't.  It's actually really complicated and kinda makes John's head hurt.  "It's kinda like how people hold hands with friends they're platonic with - not because they wanna get all romancey or whatever, but because they just like being close to someone or whatever.  And Jake cares about Dirk a lot.  Fuck, maybe he does love Dirk in his own way, I don’t know - it’s just not like how I love Karkat or Rose loves Kanaya or you love Roxy or whatever, and Dirk's okay with that.  Which is all that really fucking matters, honestly."

"And that’s honestly beside the point, you festering piece of shit," Karkat points out, "Romance and sex are different, end of fucking story."

"I still don't see why any of this matters!"

"Because fuckface," Dave begins, and John wonders if Dave’s noticed how easily he’s been picking up Karkat’s vocabulary, especially since they moved in together. "You literally just said that you might have sex with a guy, but don't really know if you'd date a guy, so, and I quote, 'I can't be gay'.  Except you could be, like, heteroromantic bisexual or whatever, so you'd fuck a guy but probably wouldn't date one.  Or, maybe you just have your head in ass like society's golden boy and really aren't against either, you just have a hardcore preference for chicks."

"God," John whines, "This is _so_ complicated."

"Eh," Dave shrugs, "Not really.  Now shut the fuck up and let me properly whoop your ass at this."

Except it was.  

It was so complicated and John didn't really understand and he was twenty-four and applying for grad school and now was not the time to start having a gay sexuality crisis.  He didn't research anything, because the less he knew the more he could convince himself that it was a fluke and he was straight.  It was just easier that way, even if Karkat insisted lecturing John on gender and sexuality almost every time he came over and Dave just let it happen because snickering in the background was a lot funnier than actually saving John from anything. **  
**

John doesn’t mention it to anyone, but next thing he knows everyone and their mother knows all about his supposed gay crises.  His first instinct is to naturally blame Dave, except he knows that a) Dave knows that shit is sensitive and b) he’s typically way too apathetic to really do much gossiping.  Which means either Karkat accidentally mentioned it to everyone in a rant or Jade accidentally blurted it out without actually thinking about what she was saying.  John doesn’t know which it is, but he does know that Rose isn’t suddenly standing in front of him where he’s sitting in the public library with a stack of stapled papers for nothing. **  
**

"Here."

"Huh?" John looks up with a confused expression.  First off, he wants to know how she found him.  Second off, he wants to know why this is so damn important that she had to stalk him for.  Third off, he really just wants to know why Rose is so damn creepy and insistent.

Rose purses her lips, "I have sources which tell me you refuse to do your own research, so here."

John gives a whimsical laugh, looking at Rose like she might be a little crazy "Are you serious?  Because this would be a great prank-" **  
**

"Yes, I'm very serious.  I'll have you know, I have a large quantity of cash based on you coming to a conclusion on your sexuality, particularly to the very obvious conclusion that you are at least somewhat not straight.  In fact, it seems everyone but you has figured out that your supposed 'no homo-ness' is actually at least somewhat homo."

"Oh, c'mon Rose!" John laughs, "I already told ya this a really great prank and all, but-"

"John," Rose sighs, "Like I said, I have money on this."

John squints his eyes and makes a slightly concerned face, "Did you... Did you guys bet on my sexuality?"

"Yes."

"That's... That's so-"

"Just read this.  And then, when you're ready, come to whatever conclusion about your own sexuality that is natural to you and say fuck it to society's condescending bullshit."

John responds by groaning, because honestly this is such bullshit.  But Rose is Rose and John knows that Rose is a determined bitch even when money _isn't_ involved and he hates to see what she's like when money _is_ involved.  So, he takes her stupid stack of papers and promises to read them in between putting together applications and working his internship at the biogenetics lab.  

He halfway considers leaving the stack on his desk and “accidentally” forgetting about it, before realizing Rose has many strange and mysterious ways that John does not want firsthand experience with.

He doesn't talk to Roxy about any of this, because he doesn't quite feel like he's ready for the 'honey, I might be gay' conversation with his girlfriend, but he does end up reading what Rose gave him.  

Baby steps.

They're mostly just a lot of different academic essays on sexuality in America and although they use a lot of words that make John uncomfortable - he understands them, thanks to twelve years of friendship with Rose, but they're just so unnecessarily big and multi-syllabic and they kinda make John's head hurt and he really doesn't like the fact that he has to read each sentence three times just to kinda figure out what it's trying to say - it makes sense in a really weird, odd way.  And sometimes after he's read something the third or fourth time he'll think 'oh, okay, that's something I do!' or 'Oh, wow, okay, I didn't know that.'  

It helps that most of the essays are specifically on bisexuality and pansexuality and polysexuality, especially when they just start to sort of...click.  

It really fucking clicks.

"Uh, so, I was wondering, um, what's it like?"

Dave looks up from his stack of papers with this expression that's half confused and half 'what the fuck are you talking about, you idiot', "What?"

"Y’know… Like... what's it like for you?"

"What the fuck, dude?  What's what like for me?  What's life like?  Pretty fucking swell.  My boyfriend is an overdramatic asshole but I love him anyway for some reason I don't fucking know and my sister is getting married to the girl of her dreams in three months and that's just stressful as fuck and my best friend is dating my cousin, so that’s still a little weird and Dirk is low key afraid Jake is gonna fall in love with some sexy archaeologist while he's on his dig in Egypt even though we all know that's literally fucking impossible and Jade and Feferi are as disgustingly adorable as usual and Callie and Jane are like this amazing crime fighting duo that are so cute they make me want to puke, so y'know.  Life is fucking dandy." **  
**

"No, you horse's ass!  Your um... your...?" **  
**

"Oh," Dave says, it finally dawning on him, "My sexuality?  Well, why the fuck didn't you just say so." **  
**

John shrugs, "Well, everyone experiences it differently.  So, what's it for you?"

Dave just sort of shrugs, "I don't know really, it's just sort of there, I guess?  Like for me, attractive is attractive.  I see someone, I know they're attractive, I feel attracted towards them, I know I'd probably bang them if I weren't in a relationship and not deathly afraid of STDs and that's that.  Doesn't matter their gender or whatever, I just see and I know and then that's it.  Not much else to it." **  
**

"Oh."

"What about you?"

"Huh?" **  
**

"What about you and your sexuality?" **  
**

"Uh..." John looks down, "Now you're just trying to make me feel uncomfortable." **  
**

"Fuck no, dude," Dave says with this look like 'do you even know me, bro.'  "I would never do that to a bro.  That's such a dick, frat guy move and you know I'm not about that life.  We're having a serious conversation about our respective sexualities and that is some sacred shit right there and violating that would be like taking the bro code and smashing it to the ground.  Man, I want nothing than for this to be a space of comfort all up in here.  I’m all down to get some motherfucking plush pillows and some nice ass blankets up in here so we can sit down and I can be be all open to listen and shit like your own specialized therapist or something.  Except I can't listen to anything if you don't say anything, so remember that dude." **  
**

"Ughh," John groans, because even when Dave is being supportive he's still kind of an annoying asshole.  "Fine.  I just sometimes see guys and without thinking about am kinda like 'wow, he's kinda hot' and sometimes I think I wouldn't mind acting on that?  So I think I prefer girls a lot of the time, but that maybe if I wasn’t with Roxy I wouldn't mind a guy?  I mean, I could be open to it?  To sex, I mean, I don't think dating.  I mean, maybe?  I don’t really know.  I just don't think I would want to date a guy, or at least not most guys, and anal sex is just...ugh. "

"You know anal isn't a pre-req for being queer, right?" **  
**

"No, yeah, I know!  I'm just saying I wouldn't want...that?" **  
**

"Nah, I feel ya." **  
**

John nods, "Okay, yeah.  So that's- What did you say that was?" **  
**

"Heteroromantic bisexuality," Dave says smirking as he claps John on the shoulders and says, "John Egbert, welcome to the motherfucking club."

And John doesn't know why, but he feels weirdly happy about that. **  
**

And when he tells Roxy, she just starts laughing and pulls John into this really tight hug while exuberantly shouting, "I knew you'd come around, babe!" **  
**

John is pretty sure she's happier about this then he is - although whether that's because she's like everyone else and has money banking on this, he doesn't know.

They end up throwing him a party with rainbows and ribbons and, according to Dave, "The gayest shit you've ever seen - literally."  Jane makes a cake in the bisexual colors and Roxy croons that they can be true twinsies now.  She also declares that she’s determined to teach John as many gay and queer puns as possible and that they should totes get matching bracelets.  Rose hugs him and gives him a very conniving smirk as she slips a twenty dollar bill into his hand, which really makes John wonder how much money they bet on this whole thing. **  
**

Too much money, if he had to guess.

Jade spends a lot of the party hugging John, pretty much to the point where he’s a little concerned she might crush him to death.  Jake happily declares that now they can dedicate their free time to binge-watching the Gay and Lesbian section on Netflix, which John is actually really excited for.  Dirk tells him, "I knew you had it in you," and gives him a fistbump, which John figures is as close to "I guess you're okay," as Dirk will get.  Dave tells him how glad he is John finally pulled that stick out of his ass, and then spends way too much time laughing at his own really bad joke like the fucking nerd he is. **  
**

At three in the morning, when it’s decided that they’re tired and not as young as they used to be, everyone vacates with hugs and fist bumps and waves good bye, leaving John with half of a very colorful cake, a lot of rainbow themed, paper decorations and a girlfriend that’s determined to turn everything she says into some sort of gay pun.  He retaliates by declaring a cake war, which has them running around and hiding behind couches as they sling handfuls of cake at each other until five in the morning.  When they go to bed, their apartment is covered in cake and rainbow confetti and a few bright banners that say “We’re all queer here!”, courtesy of Jade.   **  
**

And she’s right, they’re all queer here.  All of them.  The ratio is now eight to zero, which really isn’t much a ratio anymore.  It’s weird to think that the numbers John’s been keeping count of for the past twelve years just aren’t there anymore.  If he’s being honest though, he’s actually really okay with that. 


End file.
